Topple
written by
Andy KJ Cragg
EXT. Robert's garden - DAY
ROBERT (50's, suave, cravat, pink cords, tan brogues) stands in the middle of the garden holding a bottle of expensive champagne and two glasses in his other hand. He looks around.
FIONA (O.C.)
Darling, darling, where are you?
ROBert
(looking at the bottle and glasses in his hands)
Here in my garden, with a bottle of the finest fizz and the two tulip glasses your sister gave me. Just like you said, where are you, darling?
(looks around then soto voce)
Can't actually see you.
FIONA (O.C.)
In the kitchen, come here, Robert, and now, leave those and (come in here)...
ROBERT
No, it's a very lovely day, Fiona, and I intend to sit here, all afternoon, with my lovely new wife gently getting sozzled in the sunshine, if it's all the same to you. Darling, come out here and take one of these glasses (your sister gave us)...
FIONA (early 40's, trim) comes out into the garden drying her hands on a National Trust tea-towel. She nearly trips on a gnome on the patio. The gnome topples.
FIONA
Damn thing! Robert, Robert! Look, can I have a word, in the kitchen, now please? I mean, now please, in the kitchen? Leave those there.
ROBERT
Those? What those?
FIONA
The fizz and tulips, gods-sake.
ROBERT
Where should I leave them darling? Bottles open now, come on out, it's lovely, have a sip, come on.
Whatever it is can wait. Everything can wait, can wait for champagne, surely? Darling?
Fiona rights the gnome and comes out, hand out for the glass.
FIONA
Alright, a sip, and then we go into the kitchen, darling, and look, alright, Robbsie?
ROBERT
Robert. It's, oh never mind, here.
Fiona drops the tea-towel on the grass and takes a glass, Robert fills it up, a little shakily, then, holding the bottle and one glass in one hand, bends down slowly to retrieve the tea-towel.
ROBERT
Bugger, my back!
FIONA
Leave that, it's fine, here, drink a toast to us, then...
Robert is still bent double with his fingers on the teatowel.
ROBERT
Fiona, I think I'm stuck. Take these will you, I'm going to topple, slowly. Hopefully. Hopefully slowly, onto the lawn there.
FIONA
Again. Oh Robert. You haven't had a sip yet have you? Have you?
She takes the bottle and glass, Robert gets the edge of the tea-towel and, grabbing it, begins to topple, fairly gracefully, he's done this before.
ROBERT
Not one, promise, now, let me just, ok, gently does it...
He's toppled onto the grass.
ROBERT
Bugger! It's ok, yes. I'll just be a moment.
FIONA
Oh you poor thing. Let me get that..
ROBERT
No, no, Fiona, no!
Fiona holds the bottle and glass in one hand and reaches herself for the tea-towel. She falls over spectacularly and drops the glass and bottle. Champagne oozes over the grass.
FIONA
Shit and fuckery.
ROBERT
Now, now, Fiona, none of the language. There's a trick to it, you'll learn.
FIONA
Bugger then, bugger!
ROBERT
That's the ticket.
They lie there, heads almost touching on the grass, staring at the blue sky. They stay in silence for a minute, settling.
FIONA
Why is the sky so blue, Robert?
ROBERT
Beats me, particles or something. Beautiful, though, isn't it?
FIONA
Beautiful.
ROBERT
Can you see the tops of the willow tree?
FIONA
Yes, yes I see.
ROBERT
There's a thrush and her mate, just there to the left a bit, see?
FIONA
How sweet!
ROBERT
Mate for life apparently.
FIONA
Must be exhausting.
ROBERT
Quite, yes.
FIONA
(BEAT))
I was thinking...
ROBERT
What was it you wanted me for in the kitchen?
FIONA
Compared to this blue sky, nothing at all, really.
ROBERT
No, probably not.
FIONA
(BEAT)
Why ...
ROBERT
No idea, honestly.
FIONA
No, yes.
ROBERT
Seventy four pounds and ninety five new pence.
FIONA
I know, there is another one in the fridge.
ROBERT
Splendid, all sorted then.
FIONA
All sorted then, yes.
ROBERT
(BEAT)
We just have to get up and ..
FIONA
And do, get up and do.
ROBERT
In a mo, yes.
FIONA
A mo.
ROBERT
Mo.
FIONA
(BEAT)
I was thinking ...
ROBERT
Yes?
FIONA
Why?
ROBERT
Why you, or why me?
FIONA
Exactly.
ROBERT
Compared to the sky?
FIONA
Fair enough, yes. A mo.
FIONA
(BEAT)
The gnome fell over again.
ROBERT
It does. Has done. For years.
FIONA
Why keep it?
ROBERT
It's, well, it's ... it's always been there, has Roger, always.
FIONA
But you've not been living here long.
(beat)
Roger?
ROBERT
Sir Roger Penrose.
FIONA
Ah, Roger, yes. One of the finest physicists we have. And you name a gnome after him.
ROBERT
Best I can do for the fellow, really.
FIONA
You've worked together?
ROBERT
Nooo, not Roger.
FIONA
Admired him from afar?
ROBERT
Yes, if you like. From quite a distance, actually.
FIONA
I bet he'd be pleased.
ROBERT
That I kept my distance, or that I named a gnome after him?
FIONA
Both, probably.
ROBERT
Yes, both.
FIONA
(beat)
Probably ought to get up.
ROBERT
Yes, the seventy four pounds is getting into my trousers.
FIONA
Would've ended up that way, probably, one way or another.
ROBERT
Yes, indeed.
(beat))
The ninety five new pence might still be in the bottle, if we're lucky bunnies.
FIONA
(beat)
We are lucky bunnies, so it will be.
ROBERT
Unlike Roger.
FIONA
He won a Nobel Prize, didn't he?
ROBERT
Yes, he jolly well did, the poor chap, wouldn't wish that on ... etc etc.
(beat)
In fact, my Roger is probably luckier than the real one, still in one piece, in spite of his tendency to topple over.
FIONA
Of the three of us, Roger is actually, the only one standing.